Painful Attraction
by dvshipper
Summary: Growing up is choosing your priorities. Edward/Bella. Angst.


Title: Painful Attraction

Author: dvshipper

Rating: PG

Warnings/Spoilers: Edward/Bella

Summary: Growing up is choosing your priorities.

A/N: It's been awhile since I've written these guys, so please be kind. This fic is very close to my heart and based on true events, so if it doesn't make too much sense, that's why.

The past two weeks have been a blur. School, stress, Edward, sleep and repeat. It's not that I've shut down, I've just been caught up in everything that's happening to us. The decisions that I'm making these days aren't what every other girl at this age faces. Instead of deciding on a prom dress, I'm deciding on a wedding dress. When other girls are worrying over whether their date will like them for a week, I'm wondering if Edward will love me for literally eternity.

Then there's Jacob. We've got this love/hate relationship that I can't quite wrap my head around. There are moments when I want to hit him, but then there's others, when he walks in the room and my stomach fills with butterflies. There's a comfort in the banter we have. Even if he was angling for me to be his girlfriend, there were times when he was there when noone else was. His smile is simply infectious. So infectious it was making me sick.

Today was one of the days I worked at Newtons. Working there has been good in many ways, but being alone amongst the stock lets me alone to my thoughts. That's not such a good thing these days. And so when I got home and saw Edward there, I wasn't excited or talkative. I just said hi and went into the kitchen to get something to eat. There are just some days when I want to be left alone to stick my head up my ass.

"Bella?" Edward followed me into the kitchen and proceeded to stare at me. That stare of his...it was powerful, but I like to think I'd developed a resistance to it. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, I'm just hungry. It's been a long day," I replied, not looking at him but instead concentrating on my sandwich. If I looked at him, I'd spill everything. Knowing Edward, that wouldn't be good.

"Are you sure?" Edward tilted his head closer to mine, trying to capture my gaze. There was a jar of pickles that needed opening though and that had my full attention.

"Yep." I gathered up my finished sandwich and went back into the living room to sit in front of the TV. He hadn't been watching anything. Charlie was at work, so Edward didn't have to keep up appearances while he was waiting for me. In all likelihood, he had just been sitting there in the dark, lost in his thoughts.

I know I couldn't keep everything in. There had to be someone I could vent to. But there just wasn't. Anybody who knew the truth about our relationship, I was embarassed to talk to about more personal topics. Anyone I was comfortable with talking to didn't know the truth of the whole thing and wouldn't be able to understand what was going on. That was why I just kept everything inside, not wanting to hurt the people around me.

Keeping it all in didn't work though. Edward knew something was up when he sat down beside me on the couch and I didn't curl up next to him. Instead, I sat with my knees up near my chest and my sandwich in my hand, completely blocked off. My vampire would always know something was wrong. I was his open book.

"Bella, clearly something's wrong and you'll feel better if you tell me," Edward began the smolder. That look of longing he knew would always get me to cave. That intense stare with a hint of such love I couldn't quite understand. How could I tell him? Should I just lie?

"There were just some rude customers at work that got to me. I mean, it's not my fault we don't carry every single brand of hiking boot," I rambled a little, flipping TV channels to keep my eyes off his.

"Bella," he pulled my face toward his, forcing me to meet his gaze. "I know that's not it."

For some reason, I just got angry. This had been eating at me for days and he was prying and why shouldn't I just burst? Why shouldn't I tell him everything? Maybe some jealousy would spark him to life, make him stop brooding over things we can't change. Just maybe, if he saw someone else wanted me, he wouldn't take me for granted as much. Did he really take me for granted though, or was I just expecting too much?

"You want to know what's been bothering? What makes me feel horrible when I come home? Really, you want the truth?" I asked him forcefully, waiting for the answer. There was concern in his eyes, like he could fix the problem if he just knew what it was. Clearly he had no idea.

"Yes, I do," Edward replied, a little taken aback at my tone. I wasn't normally like this, but I just couldn't keep it in anymore.

"I'm attracted to Jacob. And I feel so Goddamn guilty about it." Edward's face just dropped into this look of disgust and betrayal. He'd known I was close with Jacob, but he'd never heard me say it. He had wanted the truth and there it was.

"Alright, now I'm upset. Now it seems like you lied to me." Edward got off the couch and was shaking. Werewolves weren't the only ones who had trouble with their temper it seemed. "All those times you said you wanted to be with me, clearly you weren't even sure."

"Of course I was sure. I've always known you're the one I want. I can't control who I'm attracted to," I tried to explain everything quickly, but you couldn't be quick enough for a vampire. His mind was going a million miles a minute and he was pacing just as fast. There was no way I could explain. I'd just have to ride out the storm.

"You know what really gets me, Bella? What I just can't wrap my vast mind around?" Edward prodded with his eyebrows. It felt like punishment, the way he was saying it. "There were some people that I found visually appealing since being with you, but you were the only one I was attracted to. Because you were the one. And now it feels like I'm not the one for you anymore, that I'm not special anymore. Jacob or Mike or Eric, they could all be in my position, so why am I even here?"

"You're here because I love you!" Now he'd made me angry and I wouldn't have him putting words in my mouth. "My love for you is more important than anyone else, no matter what. I promised to be with you, forever. I'm standing by that. I've never betrayed you and never done anything wrong. Why do you think I'm so guilty about even finding Jacob appealing? I didn't even act on anything, Edward! Isn't that's what's important to you, self control?"

"Well, considering how much danger you're in when you're with me, maybe you should go be with the dog. He might be better for you. You could have your youth and do what normal teenagers do. You wouldn't have to deal with me." Edward was moving into the kitchen, so I followed him. There wasn't any way I was going to let him go. He had wanted the truth, he shouldn't be angry when he gets it.

"Is that how you think of me, then? A normal teenager? I think we've established that I'm not interested in a normal teenage life. I want to be with you, which is why I'm still here instead of in Jacksonville." I knew where this conversation was going. That set of his shoulders, the way his posture drooped in defeat. I wish I didn't, but I knew it well.

"Bella..." Edward turned around to face me and his eyes were hollow, empty as if trying to protect himself. "This is one of the rare times I think you're too young for me."

That was when the tears started.

"Sure, there are curiosities, but I don't act on them. Why can't you see that your love is more important to me than anything?" Someone pulled the plug on my emotions and they all started to drain. This left me only able to whisper. "Why can't you realize that you're the only one I think of?"

Edward put his face in his hands. We'd had arguments and fights before, but never like this. Never before did I think 'this is the end, isn't it?' I didn't know what to do, but wait for him to speak. "I'm a monster and you shouldn't be with me. Is it really so surprising that I'd think you'd leave me after hearing what you just said?"

"I'm sorry," I whispered, sinking down into the dining room chair. All I could do was stare at the floor, completely numb. "I shouldn't have told you...I'm sorry...you just wanted the truth."

"I know...I'm just not...," he trailed off and looked out the window, his brows furrowed. "I need to hunt. I'll be back at some point. I don't know when."

A swift whoosh of air let me know he'd gone. Let me know I could break down in sobs. This was it, he really might not come back this time. There's nothing I can do, but try to convince him of my love when he comes back. My sick selfishness cut him again. For some reason, I just couldn't control my words.

And as I broke down on the kitchen floor, I couldn't help thinking, so this is what growing up feels like. You have to hold your tongue and speak wisely. You have to watch as your habits and mannerisms change, as well as the people around you. There's no one else around to fix things for you. You break it, you own up to it. That look of disgust is something I never want to see on Edward's face again.

Growing up is making the hard decisions. The decisions that will benefit you in the long run, no matter how immediately painful or uncomfortable.

That's why I'm no longer going to speak to Jacob. No visits to La Push, no bantering on the phone, no bonfires on the beach, no motorcycles. I'm with Edward. To protect him, I can't get careless. To protect Edward, I must hurt Jacob. Growing up is choosing your priorities.

For the first time, I feel like I'm 18 years old and still learning my way.


End file.
